The Disjointed Thoughts of a Writer

 Y'all, I am tired.

But it was a good day. I mostly worked with Noemi in the back training for my new position. I was on the floor for a bit so Faith and Leo could take breaks, which means I also dressed the mannequins, one of my favorite things to do. I'm going to redress a few more tomorrow, then probably start a project I'm supposed to be working on either Wednesday or Thursday.

I really like Faith and know she's going to do well as the other ASM in the store. She isn't afraid to speak her mind. She and Brittney will both be a force to be reckoned with and I think Scott won't know what hit him. But they'll support each other, and that's what most important.

My entire life, I've been told not to edit as I write and for the most part, I've listened. If it edit as I write, I get stuck in the rewrites and don't progress in the story. But with this rewrite, I'm allowing myself to either write or edit as I feel led and it seems to be going really well. It's going slower, but that's okay. I'm focusing on making this draft better and I think it's working.

It's 10:30 and I'm exhausted. I'm only staying up late because the new key holder is closing by herself and if she calls me, I want to be able to answer and help her, but I think I'm going to go to bed and hope I hear my phone ring.

I'm so glad I'm writing here again.

   I just read all of Sarah's entries, and I feel mowed down.  Not only do I feel as though I don't make LJ worth having me, also I feel bad cuz I know Sarah reads this and she's the only one.  It's got to be boring for her.  But I don't know how to make more friends on LJ.

   I agree that if you have a boring life, it's your fault.  When I was a kid, I heard a very good saying once:  "If you're bored, it's because you're boring."  Kinda painful, but true.  But I'm bored.

   We went to the Freyburg Fair today, and it was so much fun!  I've never seen steers or horses that big!  They're rears stood higher than my head, and I'm not short!  Jill had a ball (I can just hear her saying "ba! ba!  She always does whenever I use that expression.), and we got Christmas presents for all our parents.  It was nice because Jon usually doesn't like to stay long, but we were there for about three or four hours.  Then we went to go say hi to Ginny, then we came home and Jon made an apple pie.  See, I'm so backward.  I don't like to cook or bake, and Jon does.  And my food (scuse my language) sucks.  Jon's is good.  Hello, I'm the one who put cinnamon in the spaghetti sauce (long story)!

   Anyway, we had fun today, but we really regret letting Jill get so spoiled.  She whines when she wants something, and screams when we tell her no (not always, thank goodness), and though she's still a mostly good little girl, she's spoiled.  I can't wait till we finally settle down.  She needs routine.  I've only just started putting her to bed at 8 again; we had moved it up to 9 just for convenience's sake.  At least she didn't fight it tonight; we'd even gotten lax about that!  But when she screams, the battle usually ends within a week.  And we always win. 

   I'm kind of scared about moving; not the physical act, but because life is going to go on.  And I've come to realize that I really don't want to work.  Like, I knew that before, but especially so since working for Faith and having the pookster with me all day.  I don't like having to ignore her and always scolding her because I can't spend time with her.  I want to stay with my baby.  Also, I want to breastfeed my next kid, and though I should be able to (state laws and such being the way they are), it won't be easy.  And I want to use cloth diapers, but I won't be able to if another person (or a daycare) keeps the kids.  Also, I lose patience easily, and when I'm not around Jill all day, I haven't had a chance to bond, and get frustrated too easy.

   I want to write!  I don't want to work, but I'll probably need to.  I'd love to work at home, but what could I do?

   Oh, I didn't mean to come on here to complain.  Really, I do have a good life.  I'm blessed with a wonderful husband, and pretty good little girl who I get to watch blossom into a little person, and a relatively carefree life.  So why do I complain?

   I wish I had some married friends.  There are so many wonderful things about being married that I can't discuss on here.  Actually, I guess it's not married friends I crave, but friends period.  So I'll just say that I love being married.  The closeness, the shared bed, the love, the child, the good times and bad (though those I could do without), the fact that though I married my best friend, he'll never grow old.  I love Jon so much, I don't know what I'd do without him.

   Anyway, I've been on this laptop so long, I've got that kink in my shoulder I always get whenever I stay at the computer too long (or a cash register).

   Good night, journal.

   I have to write in here, though, because I've made a vow to write in here at least once a week.  Don't know if it'll happen, but I figure it's a good goal to set.  When I used to keep a diary, I used to write once a day, maybe more. 

   My little girl is sick.  Last time she had a fever, we ended up taking her to the ER, and it spiked at 105.5.  Want to tell you, it scared us bad.  So we've kept up with ibuprofen every four hours.  We don't want this one to get out of control.  By the way, she had pink eye last time, but the doctor still thought it unusual for her to have such a temp.  Oh, well, not even they know everything.  Anyway, if she's sick, I'll have to stay home with her.  If Jon's sick (which he has been all morning), he'll keep her home with him.  But I pray that she's not.  I hate when my little girl is sick.

   I was wrong about when I can quit work at SRCS.  My last day will be the 29th.  But still, that's not far at all.  Just next month.  I just have to get through summer camp, and it's going pretty quickly.  And I do enjoy working with the second graders.  They're so receptive.  And most of them are smart.  Yes, I do have those who are defiant and want to do their own thing, but even those ones I love.  I want to say that if I never knew that love was a choice (albeit a difficult one sometimes), I have learned it is just working with children.  You can't hate any of them, of course, but you really can't dislike them either.  You have to choose to love them.  That comes easily with some, but not all of them.  This is where God comes in.  Some of those kids it's tough to love.

   Anyway, I should probably skidaddle.  Earlier today, I read Our Town, a play by a man whose name I can't think of now.  Anyway, in the end Emily Webb dies in childbirth and she chooses not to accept death.  So she picks a day (her twelfth birthday) to live over again, and realizes that no one really takes time to see how lovely life is.  I've been thinking of that all day, and it's true.  We get so caught up in life that we never take the time to observe it.  It all flies by, and one day down the road we'll stop and realize that it passed up and we never even noticed.  So I've decided to take life slower.  I'm going to notice the color of the leaves, look at the way my baby smiles, really savor the love between me and Jon.  I'm going to try to look at life more as the gift that it is rather than a race to be won.

   Anyway, let me sign off.

 

   First of all, life is hectic!  That's why I haen't written in so long.  Also, pretty soon I have a feeling that's what I won't want to do just because I'll be doing it constantly.

   I work at Santa Rosa Christian School now; from 10 to 12 I work at the day care, Merry-Go-Round, then from noon till 6 I work at the school.  I love my job.  Not necessarily the first two hours, b/c I just do lunches, then clean for the teachers (sweeping, mopping), but it's okay.  And I've learned some valuable lessons a/o the teachers there, so it's good that I work there.  (More on that later.)

   Also,  soon I'll be an accomplished author.  So soon e/o will be asking for my autograph.  Ladies and gentlemen, presenting (drum roll please) Carol Starkey!

   Anyway, I'll try to write more in here tomorrow b/c I'm so tired!